The Emperor's Horn

This Tunnel Leads to Death You Guys

A couple of us died. Oops

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Having secured a map to where alien artifacts were supposedly hidden, the crew of the Emperor’s Horn set out to a bunch of planets that were just full of radiation, space cows, Communists, and big crazy corn. Before heading to the last planet on the list—a hive world—they loaded up some corn for trade.

Upon arrival at the hive world, they were put into bureaucratic limbo, waiting for their turn to sell the goods. Sarvus, Vorgen, Datcher and Thanin gave their crew ship leave and the four of them headed down to the surface by themselves like a bunch of CHUMPS. Little did they know that two of them would never see the Horn again because they’d be DEAD. (It’s totally Datcher and Sarvus, you guys).

Thanin helped narrow down where the alien artifact might be, and it was in the middle of nowhere, beneath some mutants. So they just shot up the mutants with the guncutter because that’s apparently how this group solves 99% of their problems.


The team bravely ignored the sign and found themselves in a narrow tunnel with black oily walls and floors. Then a big tremor went through the place and the entrance was sealed off and Vorgen’s psycho powers made him feel like “thousands of souls were just snuffed out” or whatever that Star Wars quote is.

So yeah they pressed on and got to this crazy intersection of eight tunnels. Datcher spent a lot of time being very nervous that they’d get lost and that the floor would eat the rocket launcher they set down to mark the entrance but he’s kind of crazy and that never really happened because BAM these statues in the room got filled with swarms of bugs and then they shot Datcher to within inches of his life holy crap.

The rest of the party tried to take the swarms and golems out as Datcher writhed around on the floor kicking and screaming. Vorgen blew a hole right through one of the golems which was pretty neat. Sarvus stood by his downed comrade and fought back valiantly, getting severely injured. Thanin also did things. Shooty things.

Then, Datcher got up and mowed down one of the golems before a fatal shot blasted him in the face. R.I.P. Datcher. We hardly knew ye.

After the threat was taken care of, the three remaining crew members of the Emperor’s Horn dusted themselves off, grabbed the valuables from Datcher’s body, said “See ya,” and explored the hallways. They found like, closed off passages and stuff, then went down this one passage where they found these giant guns attached to hands? Like the hands were holding them I think? I remember the hands were attached to them and it was like how, but they just were. It was weird. The trio all said in unison, “This is weird,” and ran around until they found another exit.

Then there was this crazy bridge over a big chasm. Picture that invisible bridge from The Last Crusade except instead of being invisible, it’s…not? Well, the bridge from The Last Crusade wasn’t really invisible, just camouflaged in a fancy way. But yeah, this bridge wasn’t either of those things. You could see it fine, it was just really narrow.

As they went across the bridge SCARABS attacked! They charged at their faces as the three men ran for their lives. Sarvus wasn’t as fast so he lobbed a nice grenade and took a few of them out before booking it to safety down another passage. There were a lot of passages in this place, guys.

So then it gets REALLY CRAZY. They find a room with two big spider-like statues with a gem between them, and a mechanical spider-like thing etching junk into the jem! And it didn’t notice them! However, Vorgen got a feeling that there was some other big power that would protect this mechanical spider, so they needed to take advantage of a surprise attack!

Then there was like, about ten minutes of talk about how far glow sticks work and what you have to do for silent moves and if there were wires and cords in the statues and then they scanned for energy sources and there weren’t any which seemed really weird to them and man they were so cautious. But then Vorgen missed a stealth check roll and the spider totes knew they were there and as Vorgen aimed to shoot the spider it moved around then like a giant crazy metal centipede thing rose up from the darkness and was like “yo guys sup” and the three men were all “aw hell naw dawg” and Vorgen killed the mechanical spider because he’s heartless and then Thanin shot at the crazy huge Tomb-Thingy (it had a name like this I don’t really remember it was scary) and he actually damaged it and then he was all “yay guys I hit it guys” and yeah sure you took like four of its 90 HP good job but you know what they say it’s the small victories in life that keep us going and stave off the reality that our death is a certainty and every second we move closer and closer to a dark abyss we will never come back from.

So then Vorgen books it out of there and so does Thanin and Sarvus hesitates because he knows that gem is worth hella cash but decides to book it instead but guess what he’s slower and can’t make it out before he’s hit by the Tomb-Buddy’s lasers. Tomb-Buddy dives underground then comes up and crushes his face in. Captain Sarvus Grinalt of the Emperor’s Horn is dead. Tomb-Buddy food. He was too good a guy to go that way.

Vorgen and Thanin find a way out and hop on the guncutter and fly out of range just as Tomb-Buddy lunges for them, and they call up the Horn and are all “yo guys make it RAAAAAIN” and a surface bombardment kills Tomb-Buddy dead.

The two shed tears for their handsomer but deader comrades and return to the Horn with the sad news. What will the Grinalt Dynasty do with the Horn now? Who will become captain? Why are aliens such d-bags?



lol, it took me a minute to notice the steaks!


Hello, my new desktop wallpaper.


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